MASTER THE ART OF
CHILD BEHAVIOR DIRECTION

We teach children to IGNORE our directions and corrections when issue those incorrectly.

For instance, if you direct your child to do something that he is almost surely incapable of doing, you are actually teaching your child to tune you out and to ignore your directions.

How can you tell if your child is capable of following a direction? Based on observation, with a little bit of calm thoughtfulness.

Here is an example. Melissa bought her eight year old a new bike, one with gears. As soon as her son climbed onto the bike, with a look of ecstatic glee on his face, she warned, “Be careful how you use those gears, because you can easily strip them.”

Of course, here eight year old was so filled with the joyful experience of his new bike that there was no room in his brain to register, evaluate and decide to heed her direction. He got on the bike, zoomed down the road, and used the gears however his impulses directed him.

Melissa’s response to this was to repeat her instructions when he returned to her, his face beaming, as he chanted, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”

He was not saying “Yes” to her directions. He was saying “Yes” to the experience of his new bike ride.

Once again he ignored her.

This time, Melissa began to feel frustrated and disrespected. She angrily yelled at him in the street to be careful with how he manipulated the gears.

But once again his joy over-ruled her. He did not mean to be disrespectful. His mother was demanding a level of self-control that was simply beyond his ability to respectfully follow. We need to understand the emotional impact of an eight- year old’s bliss upon his ability to register and respond to information.

By repeating her failing tactic, Melissa not only wasted her energy and caused herself to feel humiliated. SHE WAS ACTUALLY TRAINING HER CHILD TO IGNORE HER WORDS.

There are many ways that parents undermine their objectives in their relationship with their children. Repeating orders or instruction that your child cannot follow is just one way. Here is another.

Every parent wants his child to develop a healthy sense of responsible physical boundaries. You don’t want your child, for instance, to leap off of a ledge so high that he can injure himself. You don’t want your child to run into other children, to create chaos by impulsively getting into every drawer and cabinet, to pick up whatever he can reach and throw it as hard as he can and in any direction without thought.

Over-protective parents take too much control. They anticipate the child will get into trouble and step in too soon, before giving the child the chance to assess the situation and make a responsible choice on his own. They will hold the child’s hand too much, not giving the child a chance to develop his balance, his muscular strength and coordination, and his physical self-control. They teach the child to rely too much on the parent for responsible self-direction.

To teach a child healthy physical boundaries you need to give the child enough freedom to explore his environment and test his abilities. You need to watch the child closely so you can step in instantly the moment you are actually needed, but give the child enough freedom to discover his safe limits for himself.

Rather than physically dominating the child in an over-protective manner, SPOT the toddler when he is, say, climbing down sharp, uneven, stone steps in your back yard. As he struggles to maintain his balance he is developing not only his muscles, but also his physical self-control. At the same time he is developing a healthy sense of his limits.

This experience will translate into the child developing more alert sensitivity to his environment in all situations. He is develop the ability to sense not just his appropriate physical boundaries more keenly, but his emotional boundaries. For instance, he will be able to sense that you really don’t want him to open all the drawers in your dresser while you are trying to make the bed, and that sense will guide his choices.

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